"To the Void" - A Poem

~ Written Feb 26, 2019 ~

To the nights when I feel lonely,
When the floorboards creak and moan;
To the days that make my bones ache
And my heart feel cold like stone;
To the memories that break my heart
Yet somehow bring me joy;
To the pieces of my brain that trick
And blind my very eyes;
To the cold and hardened picture of the future that I see,
To the brokenness and heartbreak that I feel surrounding me,
To the voices in my mind that scream my failures inside,
To the torrent of deceptive thoughts that leave me in denial,
To the lifeless chill and emptiness that drains me to the core,
To the endless search for things that just are not worth searching for-
I say to all these things that wish to tear me all apart,
My Jesus is enough for me, greater than my lifeless heart.
The broken cells residing in my head have no authority,
Just as lost piano keys can’t kill a written melody.
And though my head may scream at me
To drown in what I’ve done;
Though blood goes pounding through my heart
And I can feel it in my gut;
Depression and anxiety,
They think they’ve got the best of me-
But I know this, and they do not,
‘Tis by my King that I’ve been bought.
My life is now my own no more;
My sickness He Himself has borne.
I’ll see Him face to face one day,
And all my pain He’ll wipe away.
I trust His goodness, not my chains;
The thoughts that try to kill my brain,
The searing, roaring feeling-pain.
Will I see healing in this life?
Perhaps I won’t, but through the night
My darkened path He will alight
At least enough to set me right.
Now I have hope that though this pain
May sting and hurt like acid rain,
This life is not what matters most,
It’s what comes next in which I hope.
My pain may not end now or soon,
Yet I can cling to what is true.
Take heart, my friends, and have no fear;
The peace of Christ is ever near.

The Beach: My Symbol of Depression and Hope

I used to hate going to the beach. It’s windy, it’s cold, and I always get soaked even if I claim I’m only going to get my feet wet. At the age of 18, staring out into the endless gray waves would inevitably serve as a grim reminder of the heavy emptiness that I felt. The crushing weight of the neverending sea was a similarly crushing reminder of how worthless I felt I was. The ocean became synonymous with my depression - a heavy darkness that bound up my heart and felt like a literal weight in my chest. 

Things got better after a while. I grew up, I went to college, I made more friends, I found my calling in life, I got involved in things that gave me purpose. 

And then all of those things were ripped out from under me. Friends, jobs, school, community, reputation, career plans, living space, relationships, none of it was stable. I kept losing pieces of my life, and by the time all was said and done I felt like I had become one of those underwater ecosystems that are built around floating kelp islands, which are frequently forced to disband and find new gathering grounds when the kelp has sunk or been eaten (did anyone else watch that episode of Blue Planet? No? Just me? Okay). 

I was lost in a sea of gray. No kelp island to anchor myself to. Floating, endlessly, aimlessly. Often told what I should do or should have done, when all I needed to hear was, “I’m here for you, even when you’re wrong.”

Adrift in a great, endless expense of slate gray, one wave rolling in after the other, plunging me into the depths, too deep to breathe. I couldn't breathe. 

My heart rising in my chest, I reached my hand toward the surface for help- 

But I was too far down. 

Nothing stable, nothing to hold on to.

Water surrounded me, cold and unfeeling, the horizon stretching beyond my line of vision and I was sinking, slowly but surely.

Sinking,

Reaching,

Drowning. 

I could count on nothing. 

Or, at least, that’s what I thought. 

See, I have had it all wrong this whole time. I have been trying to set up camp in places I have not been not called to stay. The rug has been pulled from beneath my feet repeatedly, not because I have bad luck or made the wrong decisions, but because those foundations were never meant to be as secure as I thought they were. The kelp islands I latched on to were not my permanent placement. 

And more importantly, I’ve been forgetting the most key component of my life - Jesus. Rather than a kelp island, He is a strong reef in which I can make my home and thrive. His love, His word offer me every ounce of identity that I have so deeply craved. For some reason I still experience an (unwanted) resistance to fully embracing that identity, and it’s something I definitely have to work through. But oh my goodness, the depth of the suffering we go through when we reject this, the simplest and most perfect of gifts! As Paul wrote in Galatians, “I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life that I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me” (Galatians 2:20).

This is not my life any longer - my life belongs to Christ. Because of this, I no longer have to worry about being good enough, or being good enough in comparison to others, or succeeding in a worldly sense, or being well liked. I don’t have to worry about getting a “good job” when I graduate or where I will be living in a year. If people don’t like me or my perspective, I can finally say “so be it.” I have been trying for so long to learn that lesson, and I finally learned it the hard way this past year; and while it was one of the most painful lessons I’ve had to learn, it was 100% a blessing in disguise. 

Some of these worries and insecurities are actually important, others not so much; but I don’t have to worry about any of them, because this is no longer MY life. My life belongs to Christ. My body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in me, whom I have received from God, because I am not my own! I was bought by the blood of Christ, at a heavy price - that price being death (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). Therefore I seek to glorify and honor Him with every day, because He paid the ultimate price for my freedom.

This being acknowledged, every day is still a new challenge, and sometimes I slip into a hole that takes painful and concerted effort to climb back out of. I have my wounds and scars just like anyone else, and yes, they hurt and sometimes it's a challenge to even get out of bed in the morning. But, while I still pray for healing, I have become okay with remaining in the process - because the Lord has already used that process to lead to much growth and healing in me already, and I regret none of it.

When I was 18 years old, standing at the beach and looking out at the ocean only increased my despondency and sense of lonely worthlessness, because all I could feel was the emptiness in my heart and the physical weight in my chest that pulled me down. All I could see in the water was murky gray. 

Now, four years later, when I look out at the water I may still see those things. But that is no longer all I see, nor is it what I find myself focusing on. I am too caught up in digging for sand crabs and “accidentally” getting caught by rogue waves (when I've told myself for the umpteenth time that “I’ll only go in up to my calves”). I prefer to stare in rapture at the beauty of the setting sun shining on the water, rather than complaining about the wind chill or the wet clothes chafing at my skin. I’ll marvel at God’s creation... looking for shells, digging up crabs, and staring at the sea foam washing up on the beach. 

TL;DR: My depression may never really "go away," and I'm okay with that - because my Creator is bigger and stronger than the chemicals in my brain, and I choose to wrap my identity around what He - and only He- has to say about me.

How Lamenting Changed My Life

Several years ago, when I was in the middle of a slump in my faith, I wrote a song describing the pain I was going through because of the numbness in my spirit. I never felt that the song was quite finished, but I didn't know why. I was always made sad by it, but I couldn't think of anything to add, so I just left it.

Then I went to a conference called Journey this year. At that conference, we talked about lamenting. A lament is a deep expression or complaint of sorrow, pain, grief, and confession. We see people doing this all through the Bible, and I used to simply see those passages as people being sad and telling God about it. But lamenting is actually so much more, and it has brought so much to my life!

This is the handout that I received at Journey, and it honestly changed the way I
look at my prayers of grief, sadness, pain, heartache, and confession.

There is a pattern to lamenting. There is a hope and a promise, an assurance of being heard and an establishment of trust that is inherent in the process. The problem is that we often stop halfway through this process, and simply complain to God. But just like my song, those laments are incomplete. They are missing part of what makes them so beautiful - no story is complete without an ending! The Lord wants to hear your deepest sorrows, and it's okay to express feelings of frustration and grief that are directed at Him. David did!

But we can't stop there. I spent an hour or so finishing my song tonight. I am no longer in the place I was when I first wrote it, but I still have many of the same struggles... and I expressed them, but the song no longer ends on a note of despair. Rather, it now ends in a plea for the Lord to take my withered, broken heart and make it once again alive.

Brokenness and pain are inevitable in this world. We are promised difficulty. Yet we are also promised hope, joy, and a peace that is far beyond our comprehension. Grieving and lamenting is part of life... and following through on the process of lamenting can change your life. Grieving to the Lord is no longer a sad thing for me, but a blessing; I am left feeling hopeful, rather than downcast and hopeless. Jesus gives us beauty in exchange for ashes... and that means we can come to Him with our ashes and leave clinging to His promises of beauty.

Blessings,

Elizabeth

What It Really Looks Like to Submit Your Decisions to God

Life decisions can be hard to make. We as human beings have to make choices all the time, but sometimes there comes along a really big decision that will potentially affect the rest of our lives. Many of these big decisions bring substantial stress and anxiety with them: for me, several such dilemmas have arisen in the past year pertaining to college, relationships, church ministries, and potential future careers.

I prayed a lot about these decisions. I really wanted God’s approval on my choices; deep down I wanted to “do it all right”, be perfect, have the Lord’s backup before taking any action, make no mistakes. I’d never had to make these kinds of decisions before, and I expected Him to present me with some sort of clear, set “road map” which would show me exactly what to do and guide every action I made. Boy, was I disappointed—as well as stressed, confused, and anxious—when what I got in return for my prayers seemed to be radio silence. I asked God to show me what to do, but I didn’t get the answers I expected.

I thought that, since Jesus is the Lord of my life, my future was a blueprint that I could access just by asking for it. After all, God knows everything, including my personal history and future. He is omnipresent, omnipotent, and omniscient—everywhere at every time in history; the all-powerful, all-knowing Creator. And it’s obvious in Scripture that God has a plan for us and knows our futures. For example:

Ephesians 2:10--“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.”

Ephesians 1:11--“In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works through all things according to the counsel of his will”.

Source: http://www.confidentfaith.net/the-coming-crisis-daniel-8

However, having a plan doesn’t mean that He’s always going to tell us what that plan is. I waited so long for God to ring a bell and shout what the right decisions were, but I heard nothing; maintaining this attitude toward His plan put me in a place where I was terrified that I was going to have to actually do the choosing myself, and I felt entirely incapable of making such big decisions. I felt that I had somehow failed because I didn’t have any direction; I was afraid that, if I made a decision without a specific “this is it” guidance from God, I would chose wrong. This idea is entirely unbiblical. Look at the following verses:

Proverbs 19:21—“Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.”

Romans 8:28—“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

James 4:13-17—"Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” 

What do these verses tell us? We, as human beings, tend to make our own plans. We want to be in control, to do everything right, and the last thing most of us want to do is make a mistake. Especially if it’s a big mistake. “What if I’m dating the wrong guy?” “What if this isn’t the major I’m meant to pursue in college?” “What if this isn’t the job God really wants me to have right now?” Regardless of our plans, however, God has His own, and His plans always override ours.

How would life be a journey if we were handed all the answers? I believe that the Holy Spirit resides in us as believers for many reasons, not the least of which is to attune us to God’s nature. Rather than showing up once in a while with a clap of thunder and big announcement, He often works quietly in us day by day. The more we commune with Him and read the Word, the more familiar we become with His character, and the clearer our choices become.

What about choices that aren’t directly discussed in the Bible, though? How does one decide where to go to college, or whether or not to pursue marriage with a certain person? In these situations, the first thing that we must do is ask the Lord for guidance. Second, we need to go to the Word; what does it have to say about this situation? Third, we look to logic. Does this decision make sense? Is this a good college for your major? Does your relationship with this person line up emotionally, mentally, physically, logistically, and spiritually, and do you feel optimistic about it? If your choice corresponds to Scripture, is set in logic, and you feel good about it, then that is a green light. Take a look at Allison Vesterfelt's article, "What It Really Means to Submit Yourself to God", in which she writes about her journey toward discovering how submitting one’s life to God actually works, since He doesn’t often blare the answers to our problems in our faces with a bullhorn. As a writer, Allison compares submitting one's life to God to submitting a writing project to an editor:

"[W]hat if, as Christians, we looked at submission to God this way, rather than waiting for him to boss us around. What if [we] labored over our lives, day and night, trying to make them beautiful? And then, when we felt like we were really onto something, we showed them to Him and said:

'This is the best I can do. I’ve given you everything I have. But I realize I might have missed some things.'
'Will you make it better?'" 

God doesn’t always prevent us from making what we in our time-limited minds call mistakes. Sometimes a major is changed, a relationship terminated; people overload themselves and have to back out of commitments, even though all the green-light signs were there. Students choose a college, then decide to switch to somewhere else. However, though we may see these changes as mistakes or “wrong choices”, they really are periods of growth that God intends for our good.

Source: http://hubpics.com/post/god-controlhttp://hubpics.com/post/god-control

So don't be discouraged when you don't have an "aha!" moment about God's will for a decision you're making. Don't be disappointed or feel that you've failed God when things don't pan out the way that you expected them to--He doesn't always show us where we're headed right away, and sometimes the journey of "failures" is what actually prepares us for success. Instead, focus on honoring Him with your decisions; thank Him for providing you with the Holy Spirit, who will guide your heart and, through your heart, your actions. 

Colossians 3:17: "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."

You Are Perfectly Imperfect: Measuring Self Against the Myth of Perfection

A person's self-concept, according to my Interpersonal Communications professor at college, is made up of three parts: the "presenting" self, the "perceived" self, and the "ideal" self. 

• Presenting self: the image we project; how others see us. 
• Perceived self: how we see ourselves; comes complete with our strengths and imperfections. 
• Ideal self: what we want to be; how we think we ought to be.

Today my presenting self—what others see—exudes confidence and self-assurance. It says, "I'm fine with how I look." It laughs with ease and looks quite relaxed. Others may see it and think, "Wow, she really has it together."

Meanwhile, the perceived self—what the self sees—pulls out the makeup bag in the morning and thinks, "Time to de-uglify!" It stands in front of the closet, a pile of tried-on clothes thrown on the bed, with a heart heavy like lead. "I wish I had a better body," it thinks almost angrily. "I don't feel attractive at all." However, the logical part of me realizes that this is the result of a clash between my perceived self and my ideal self.

Everyone's presenting self is better than their perceived self... we see others as much, much more put together, attractive, etc. than they see themselves. So I recognize that although I feel horrible today, I'll feel better eventually and other people probably aren't going to see me as badly as I expect. 

And the thing is, EVERYONE has these days. The face we put on for the crowd says that we have it all together—however, behind the mask, we may feel like the crappiest human being in the world. On these days, every person you see seems to have it together better than you do, look more attractive than you are, and have a better personality than you do; meanwhile, you seem to be the one person in the room who is worse than them all in everything.

However, this is a normal part of life. EVERYONE has these days. That one person in your friend group who seems to have the perfect life, perfect body, perfect personality? That illusion is called "the myth of perfection." IT DOES NOT EXIST IN REALITY. I can guarantee you that he or she has days in which "the struggle is real." That seemingly-perfect body is somehow flawed in his or her eyes. That "perfect" life has a catch known only to this friend whom you so envy.  That flawless, oh-so-likable personality has a hidden fault, and he or she knows it.

You see, no one has it perfect. Everyone has bad days, and to every presenting self there is a secret behind the scenes. If we accept that no one is perfect, we can begin to accept our own imperfect selves as the beautiful creations of God that they are. You are beautifully and wonderfully made-- and God made you to be unique, with your own struggles and triumphs, your own weird tendencies, and your own unique giftings. Accept yourself as the perfectly imperfect creation that you are- for, of course, God doesn't make mistakes- and live your life with the knowledge that you are equipped for everything that will be set before you.

The Girl in the Hat: Discovering God's Sovereignty

The girl in the hat looks just like the girl in white. They share a hairstyle, a smile, a pair of green and blue eyes, and a height of 5'. They are only four months apart in age, but the girl on the white shirt feels nothing like the girl wearing a funny black hat and feather boa. She has begun college, while the girl in the hat has yet to graduate from high school. 

These two pictures are, obviously, of me. The thing is, I feel as though we aren't even the same person. The Liz who existed two, six, even nine months ago had so much more fear inside her than I do now; anxiety running through her veins, depression weighing down her feet and pinning her to the couch. 

I was surprised by what happened mere days after I graduated. Instead of feeling freedom and relief, I hit rock bottom. I had been depressed for months, and when I was at the beach with my family a few days after the ceremony, I texted a friend the most desperate and despondent question I have ever asked another human being. "Have you ever wished you could just lay down and sleep into oblivion?"

I wanted to sink into the ground, wishing that I could simply fall asleep and never wake up. I was entirely miserable during what I had expected to be one of the best times of my life. 

About a month later I was given a late graduation gift- a book. The book was called "Trusting God," and it taught me a lot about God's sovereignty. Did you know that nothing escapes God's mighty hand, no matter how small? Did you know that He divinely controls the situations surrounding you so that they will work toward His purposes? Did you know that even bad things must operate under God's supervision, which means that you can trust him even in evil times?

I didn't know that. The church didn't teach me that- the church taught me that God cries with us in our pain, wants better things for us, and so on and so forth. I have used those platitudes myself in efforts to console those around me who are broken. But they aren't always true- God, in his complete knowledge and perfect plan, is sovereign over even those things that we pray He would take away. Does this mean that we should stop praying? Of course not. It does, however, mean that we can stop worrying about the things we cannot control. "We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps." (Proverbs 16:9, NLT).

The girl in the hat didn't know any of this. 

Please, let's begin to teach God's ultimate sovereignty! Can we tell those we love that, although our Heavenly Father does not like to see us in pain, He still allows it to happen for His own perfect reasons and that we can trust his judgement? American Christianity often does not do justice to God's sovereignty- I have heard people tell me, "Maybe God doesn't necessarily care about this decision you're making." This kind of thinking promotes the idea that God is only involved in part of the workings of this world, and that he leaves the rest for us to manage alone.

"Maybe God doesn't necessarily care where you go to college. Maybe God doesn't care whether you keep this job or not." I have been told both of these things- but if God doesn't care about my job or the school I'm at, how can I trust that He cares about any other decisions I make, situations I'm in? What about my health, spiritual well-being, or the state of my friendships? I have to trust that God cares about even the minute things. I know that He does, because I know that He is not a God who places us in situations and then says, "Okay, go figure it out! I'll be here, uninvolved, if you need me."

"May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us; establish the work of our hands for us-yes, establish the work of our hands." Psalm 90:17 (NIV):

BlueLetterBible says the original word "established" can be interpreted to mean "to be set up, be established, be fixed." God can- and will- set our work for us, if we will let him. 

I challenge you get outside of your comfort zone and let God dig a little bit deeper in your life than is necessarily "easy" or "comfortable." Let the Holy Spirit work in your life on a profoundly deep level- make a conscious choice to fully accept His complete control and sovereignty, and then make the decision to allow Him to use everything in your life, from the biggest events to the smallest parts, from Presidential elections to the birth of your first child to whether you leave the house three minutes early or five minutes late tomorrow. Let's accept the blessing of God's sovereignty- and not just accept it, but embrace it.