You Are Perfectly Imperfect: Measuring Self Against the Myth of Perfection

A person's self-concept, according to my Interpersonal Communications professor at college, is made up of three parts: the "presenting" self, the "perceived" self, and the "ideal" self. 

• Presenting self: the image we project; how others see us. 
• Perceived self: how we see ourselves; comes complete with our strengths and imperfections. 
• Ideal self: what we want to be; how we think we ought to be.

Today my presenting self—what others see—exudes confidence and self-assurance. It says, "I'm fine with how I look." It laughs with ease and looks quite relaxed. Others may see it and think, "Wow, she really has it together."

Meanwhile, the perceived self—what the self sees—pulls out the makeup bag in the morning and thinks, "Time to de-uglify!" It stands in front of the closet, a pile of tried-on clothes thrown on the bed, with a heart heavy like lead. "I wish I had a better body," it thinks almost angrily. "I don't feel attractive at all." However, the logical part of me realizes that this is the result of a clash between my perceived self and my ideal self.

Everyone's presenting self is better than their perceived self... we see others as much, much more put together, attractive, etc. than they see themselves. So I recognize that although I feel horrible today, I'll feel better eventually and other people probably aren't going to see me as badly as I expect. 

And the thing is, EVERYONE has these days. The face we put on for the crowd says that we have it all together—however, behind the mask, we may feel like the crappiest human being in the world. On these days, every person you see seems to have it together better than you do, look more attractive than you are, and have a better personality than you do; meanwhile, you seem to be the one person in the room who is worse than them all in everything.

However, this is a normal part of life. EVERYONE has these days. That one person in your friend group who seems to have the perfect life, perfect body, perfect personality? That illusion is called "the myth of perfection." IT DOES NOT EXIST IN REALITY. I can guarantee you that he or she has days in which "the struggle is real." That seemingly-perfect body is somehow flawed in his or her eyes. That "perfect" life has a catch known only to this friend whom you so envy.  That flawless, oh-so-likable personality has a hidden fault, and he or she knows it.

You see, no one has it perfect. Everyone has bad days, and to every presenting self there is a secret behind the scenes. If we accept that no one is perfect, we can begin to accept our own imperfect selves as the beautiful creations of God that they are. You are beautifully and wonderfully made-- and God made you to be unique, with your own struggles and triumphs, your own weird tendencies, and your own unique giftings. Accept yourself as the perfectly imperfect creation that you are- for, of course, God doesn't make mistakes- and live your life with the knowledge that you are equipped for everything that will be set before you.

The Girl in the Hat: Discovering God's Sovereignty

The girl in the hat looks just like the girl in white. They share a hairstyle, a smile, a pair of green and blue eyes, and a height of 5'. They are only four months apart in age, but the girl on the white shirt feels nothing like the girl wearing a funny black hat and feather boa. She has begun college, while the girl in the hat has yet to graduate from high school. 

These two pictures are, obviously, of me. The thing is, I feel as though we aren't even the same person. The Liz who existed two, six, even nine months ago had so much more fear inside her than I do now; anxiety running through her veins, depression weighing down her feet and pinning her to the couch. 

I was surprised by what happened mere days after I graduated. Instead of feeling freedom and relief, I hit rock bottom. I had been depressed for months, and when I was at the beach with my family a few days after the ceremony, I texted a friend the most desperate and despondent question I have ever asked another human being. "Have you ever wished you could just lay down and sleep into oblivion?"

I wanted to sink into the ground, wishing that I could simply fall asleep and never wake up. I was entirely miserable during what I had expected to be one of the best times of my life. 

About a month later I was given a late graduation gift- a book. The book was called "Trusting God," and it taught me a lot about God's sovereignty. Did you know that nothing escapes God's mighty hand, no matter how small? Did you know that He divinely controls the situations surrounding you so that they will work toward His purposes? Did you know that even bad things must operate under God's supervision, which means that you can trust him even in evil times?

I didn't know that. The church didn't teach me that- the church taught me that God cries with us in our pain, wants better things for us, and so on and so forth. I have used those platitudes myself in efforts to console those around me who are broken. But they aren't always true- God, in his complete knowledge and perfect plan, is sovereign over even those things that we pray He would take away. Does this mean that we should stop praying? Of course not. It does, however, mean that we can stop worrying about the things we cannot control. "We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps." (Proverbs 16:9, NLT).

The girl in the hat didn't know any of this. 

Please, let's begin to teach God's ultimate sovereignty! Can we tell those we love that, although our Heavenly Father does not like to see us in pain, He still allows it to happen for His own perfect reasons and that we can trust his judgement? American Christianity often does not do justice to God's sovereignty- I have heard people tell me, "Maybe God doesn't necessarily care about this decision you're making." This kind of thinking promotes the idea that God is only involved in part of the workings of this world, and that he leaves the rest for us to manage alone.

"Maybe God doesn't necessarily care where you go to college. Maybe God doesn't care whether you keep this job or not." I have been told both of these things- but if God doesn't care about my job or the school I'm at, how can I trust that He cares about any other decisions I make, situations I'm in? What about my health, spiritual well-being, or the state of my friendships? I have to trust that God cares about even the minute things. I know that He does, because I know that He is not a God who places us in situations and then says, "Okay, go figure it out! I'll be here, uninvolved, if you need me."

"May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us; establish the work of our hands for us-yes, establish the work of our hands." Psalm 90:17 (NIV):

BlueLetterBible says the original word "established" can be interpreted to mean "to be set up, be established, be fixed." God can- and will- set our work for us, if we will let him. 

I challenge you get outside of your comfort zone and let God dig a little bit deeper in your life than is necessarily "easy" or "comfortable." Let the Holy Spirit work in your life on a profoundly deep level- make a conscious choice to fully accept His complete control and sovereignty, and then make the decision to allow Him to use everything in your life, from the biggest events to the smallest parts, from Presidential elections to the birth of your first child to whether you leave the house three minutes early or five minutes late tomorrow. Let's accept the blessing of God's sovereignty- and not just accept it, but embrace it.

Christian Moms and Graduate Kids

There exists in this world a rather hilarious TV show titled “The Middle.” It features a realistically average family of five, the Hecks. Their lives are messy, their relationships are rollercoasters, and their house is constantly in disarray. In a recent episode, their oldest child (Axl Heck) goes off to college, and his mother (Frankie Heck) has a difficult time letting go. She convinces the whole family to go along to drop him off, and he becomes increasingly frustrated as they encounter hold-up after hold-up on the way there. He simply wants out. Axl disappears once they reach his dorm, leaving without so much as a heartfelt goodbye.

Frankie is left with an empty feeling in her heart and a desperate desire for closure. “Wait, wait, wait!” she calls after him. He doesn’t listen, and she turns to her husband, Mike Heck, for comfort. “I thought we would swing by the book store, and let him pick out a T-shirt, and take him to dinner… I just… I mean… is that it?”

As a young adult, recently in full control of my own life for the first time ever, I relate to Axl’s thirst for freedom. It must be understood that I love my family more than anything; my parents and sisters are the best thing that has ever happened to me, and the Lord has favored me greatly by putting them in my life. However, as a young person- just like Axl Heck- I have a desire to “do it all myself.” I want to get away from family and become a person in my own right; to have friends who are just mine and not my whole family’s; to have activities that I alone engage in, such as taking a volleyball class for fun or going to the young adult group at my church; to be soley responsible for my actions. I want to do life on my own. I want to be me, a person I can create, a person I can choose.

Axl and I can relate. On the flip side, however, so can Frankie and my mother.

The crazy thing is, I actually get it.

"Axl Learns What A Scholarship Really Means."
Digital image. Zap2It.com. N.p., n.d. Web. 2 Nov. 2014.
[http://www.zap2it.com/tv/the-middle/SH011581190000].

My mom and her friend are in the process of writing a book together. They both have young adult children who have recently graduated, and they are basing their project on the concept of their "apron strings" being threadbare. The idea is that, while a child is young, he clutches his mother’s apron strings. He does not easily let go. He cannot walk alone yet; he cannot take care of himself. He does not have the confidence or knowledge to function on his own, so he clings to the one who is able and willing to take care of him; his mother. But as the child grows older, so does the apron. The article of clothing that was once an item of safety becomes one of help. The threads become worn and weary. Eventually the child is old enough that he no longer needs to hold on to his mother’s apron strings; they have become thin and, eventually, they will snap.

With each new step of independence taken by a young adult, the scissors of life snip just a little bit deeper into the mother’s apron strings. One day the strings will break, and the apron of protection will no longer be needed. The child will be a fully fledged adult, responsible and capable of taking care of himself and, possibly, his own family. The snipping of these strings is uncomfortable and painful for the mother, but as the threads become looser, the more independent and confident the child becomes. What is for him an exciting experience is, for his mother, a difficult one.

These two perspectives are equally heartfelt. They are equally truthful, equally worthy, and- most importantly- equally valid. On one hand, I am coming into independence and naturally crave it; on the other, my mother must begin to release the child she has raised for the past 18 years. I believe that this is especially hard on us both because of our family’s decision to homeschool- while I believe that choosing homeschool was one of the best decisions we’ve ever made, it also means that I have spent more time with my family than kids raised in public or private school. I must learn to live my own life, while my family must learn to live theirs with my partial absence.

It’s new, it’s foreign, and it’s somewhat frightening. For me, it is exciting; for them, it is both bitter and sweet.

My point? There has to be compromise for any relationship to function well. This includes parent-child relationships, as well as friendship and romance. Young adults… my friends… understand the tremendous difficulty your parents go through as you grow up. You may believe that they are holding you back, or overprotective. However, in reality, you are (and always will be) their baby. Your mother held you in your belly for around nine months, gave birth to you, and raised and protected you through the Terrible Twos and hormonal junior high years. For eighteen years you have been her responsibility; your health and well-being were hers to take care of.

Now, all of a sudden, you’ve grown up. She has to let you go, to let you make your own decisions and make your own mistakes. Some things that you see as smothering and overprotective are, to her, incredibly difficult decisions that involve letting you move beyond her comfort zone. It’s not easy. Appreciate the love that she has for you.

Thank you, Mom, for loving me.